Barroom

Two men are sitting around drinking. One guys says to the other, "I bet I could gross you out right now" The other guy says, "No way you could gross me out, whatever you do I could top" So the first guy looks at the second guy and sticks his fingers down his throat and vomits all over the table. The second guy looks at him and says " Nice Try ", and pulls out a straw....

Five little pigs walk into a bar. The first pig asks the bartender for a beer. The pig finishes the beer and asks where the bathroom is.

The second pig goes up to the bartender and asks for two beers. The second pig finishes the two beers and asks where the bathroom is.

The third and fourth pig go up to the bartender and ask for three and four beers. After finishing their beers, they ask where the bathroom is.

The fifth pig goes up to the bar, but before he can order, the bartender says, "You don't have to say anything, you want five beers, right?"

The fifth pig says to him, "Right, but I'm the pig that goes wee wee all the way home.

A man walks into a bar and orders shots for the everyone. The bar tender asks if he even has enough money. The man says, "I am a professional gambler, I bet you a hundred dollars I can bite my eye." The bartender agrees, so the man takes out his fake eye and bites it. The man then says, "I bet a hundred more dollars that I can bite my other eye. The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender pays him and says, "My bar is packed, you still don't have enough money to buy shots for the house." The man asks the bartender to take one more bet. The man then says, "I bet 600 dollars that I can piss in that bottle over there without a lick going out." The bartender laughs in disbelief and agrees to the bet. The man begins pissing all over the bartender who laughs again. The bartender says, "You better pay up now, you just took a bad bet." The man replies, "No, not really. I just bet those guys over there a thousand bucks that i can piss all over you and still make you laugh."

James Bond walks intoa bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch. The woman next to him asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replied, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." Intrigued by this, the woman asks, "What does it do, Mr. Bond?" "Well you see," said Bond, "it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." "I see," said the woman, "and what's it telling you now?" "It says you're not wearing any knickers..." Bond says. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I'm afraid I'm wearing knickers!" 007 taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"