Barroom

A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won't let him in the guy asks, "'Why not?"

"Because you're not wearing a tie," says the bouncer.

"But I have come all the way from the other end of town," says the guy.

"Sorry mate, that's the rules," says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

"Is this all right?" he asks the bouncer.

"Well, all right then," replies the bouncer. "But I'll be watching you - don't start anything!"

When the Lord gave out brains, I thought he said trains and I missed mine! When he gave out looks, I thought he said books, and I didn't want any! When he gave out noses, I thought he said Four Roses, and I ordered a big one! When he gave out legs, I thought he said kegs, and I ordered two fat ones! When he gave out ears, I thought he said beers, and I ordered two long ones! When the Lord gave out chins, I thought he said gins, and I said 'Give me a double' Oh Lord! I'm a mess!

A guy walks into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your house burnt down!”
So he runs outside but then he thinks, “I don't have a house.” So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.
Another guy runs in and says, “Bill! Your dad died!”
And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, “I don't have a dad.”
So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, “Bill! You won the lottery!”
So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, “My name's not Bill.”

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.

"I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world."

"Yeah?"

"And then I wished for a little head."