Barroom

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"

The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, 'If you were my husband I would poison your drink."

The man replied, 'If you were my wife I would drink it.'

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, 'I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here.' The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said.

'I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink,' said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers.

The bartender says, 'I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here.' So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.

The thrid string says 'Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink' The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers.

The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, 'You a string?'

"Frayed knot,'he replies.