Barroom

Once a man walked into a bar and sat down at a booth.

Eventually, he and another man got into an argument about whose dog could whoop the other dog.

The man said, "Let's have a fight out back.'

'Okay' said the other.

When they got their dogs, one man opened a case and brought out a 12 inch long yellow dog.

That dog proceeded to kill every other dog in town.

When one man asked, 'Where did you get that dog?' the man said, 'Well, before I cut its tail off and painted it yellow, it was an alligator."

Two old friends/enemies who love to take the piss out of each other are in a bar, drinking. One reaches over and feels the other's bald head.

"Good God! This feels just like my wife's ass!" The man whose head it is runs his hand over it, too.

"So it does! So it does!"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

"Don't trust volleyball players with your drinks."
"Why?"
"They might spike 'em."